All sorts of spaces...


We all know, nature does not like the void.
I can never emphasise on the nature of polarity in our earthly experience. Especially in BDSM.

I'd like to bring your attention to a phenomena of Dom space and as result of this: the importance of self love for the Dominant, the one in control.

Sub space

Sub space is a term, that most of the people who indulge in BDSM are familiar with. It is that pleasurable altered headspace that the submissive experiences during a BDSM scene, when everything is just right. When one is taken care of, when one trusts there dominant. The surrender is a key component contributing to that state.
It's a space that is created as a result of an interaction, often desciribed as being on the same wavelength with each other.
It can be amplified by beautiful connection between the both, pain, chemistry, discomfort, even love.
In that dreamy like state, the sub is vulnerable, happy, has difficulties to make decisions. Thats the space where it's extremely important for both not to cross boundaries because one is really not able to respond adequately (responsible/ able to respond) and thats where the boundaries of consent might become blurry.

Dom space

The power over the sub is often giving the Dominant a certain form of natural high. Each and every time it is a unique experience. Its strong, it's primal, it's exciting, the mind (not the sky )is the limit.
So how is Dom space different to sub space? Dom space is often said to be an out of the body experience. While as sub space is more of a blissful kind of "high" and often trance like state (induced by the scene, but more internal).
While sub is taken care of by Dominant while in sub space, Dom is always in control during the session. That means in control of the safe container, the boundaries (of both, even her/his own) the sub's. It ia a magical space.

In my experience, Dom space is a sort of rush. It is addictive to dom. That is THE component, that makes domination oh so apealing. I compare it to reaching the orgasm together, only this one last longer and tightens the bond between the two. Sometimes it is even better than sex. It's a very intimate space.This sort of thing is so so hard to explain to vanilla people.

Science of hormones

The endorfines that are being realised during sex or BDSM session (or other occasions like child labour for instance) help us decrease pain, can even give us the feeling of calm, relaxation and relief. Being punished, feeling of being seen, being given absolution, giving in into the temptation are cutting deep. Sounds familiar? Some beta- endorfines have stronger working that morfine.

Ever heard of noradrenalin? It is an organic chemical that functions in the brain and body as a hormone, neurotransmitter and neuromodulator. It is realised by pain controling neural pathways in our brains and is also realised during sex. When it comes to Dom, the science leans towards the theory, that Dom, upon a realise of it, is able to cope and provide sub with a lesser reaction to pain (even lesser (?) in sadists) and that familiar out of body experience. In that way one can be inflicting pain, smothering, humiliating there submissive without remorse or empathy. That little noradrenalin could even strengthen oenes focus and control of the situation and the sub.

Some of us, can produce that noradrenalin in an instant, can't we? There are also Doms that never experience the Dom space. This can be, because of dysfunctional/unhealthy D/S situation (no chemistry between the two), lack of confidence, low self esteem or other struggles of the Dom. Or maybe, some need more experience…. or you're really not a Dom. Sorry to burst your bubble.


Everything good comes to an end. Even pain. Even a good session. What stays, is a memory of an wonderufl experience and a longing to have it again. And one more thing in the common space, before we part: aftercare. I think it is highly underestimated.
I hear stories of subs, that after an intense session, they are being set on the street, because the Mistress has another slave coming. Feeling like a number.
I hear stories of people who are lost/emotional and helpless.

It's important to take time for after care together, but also apart. Simple things like a conversation, a glass of water, hugs, eating something can make a hudge difference to send you home and be "functional" and fit to drive. We need time to integrate what happened, to proces it, even write an reflection.


Being a Dom takes a lot out of me. With all due respect, it is not an assembly line in a factory and I cannot give one session after another without unwiring. As sub, you may experience a sub drop, and so can I experience a Dom drop. Especialy after the intense session. Some of the sessions are emotionally and phisically hard on me. I know, you might say, it comes with a territory. But that doesn't mean I am not a human. I might feel satisfied, but after the after care has ended, I need to unwire too. While you might feel mentally as if you'd been 2 weekes on vacation, your bum if fairly beaten left, right and centre, I on the other end might feel low, exhausted and drained after my initial high.
It is important to me to take care of myself. To have a good meal, jump out of my heels, take a shower, integrate, talk to friends from the community, relax and relax some more…. so next time, I can take care of you even better. From the aboundance of my heart and not bitterness and charity.

So yeah… do not hetitate to ask your Mistress how is she doing, get her flowers, send her a note or a gift.

She's able to create that magic? Can she provide aid to your obvious and painful longing… She's a keeper. Do not hestitate to tell her, or better yet show her your appreciation. That certainly contributes positively to her Dom drop. Write a reflection, that helps you land, sort your feelings out. It helps her to keep track on your feelings.

"And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it."

― Roald Dahl